It’s not what you think. Well, maybe a little. The last month or so I’ve really noticed how much I sign up for, RSVP “yes” to, and overall commit to doing that I just don’t actually want to do. I’m an over-committer.
I’ve always been reliable and professional. Committing to things seemed like a perfect way to prove that I was grown-up and trustworthy. It was like a way to give myself proof that I was doing the right thing. Flaky people don’t complete fitness challenges or make plans months in advance, right? It’s been my goal up until recently to present my best self to everyone at all times. That’s another major issue…but this lead me to care so much what people thought of me that I usually didn’t stop to think why I wanted to do it.
I’ve seen too many people cancel at the last minute or show up late or go from obsessing over the latest trend to forgetting all about it a month later. For a reason I’m still unsure of, I labeled that kind of behavior “bad” or “wrong.” Obviously, I didn’t want anyone to think of me that way.
I’m crediting mostly my amazing week in NJ at a Tony Robbins event with finally realizing who I want to be and how much I’m not being that person. (Also another huge, long story, but truly groundbreaking for me.)
After that moment of seeing it all before me, it dawned on me that so many of my commitments I did in order to feel a certain way. I’d force myself to go to meetings or show up for a shift of whatever when really I wanted to be at home baking or at the gym in a class. It’s been years since I’ve not had almost every single moment planned out. I even made (make…I’m a work in progress) lists for my days off. I’ll write down “watch Grey’s Anatomy, roast vegetables, shower.” Seriously, I’ve written “shower” on my to-do lists…like I’d forget or something.
What I didn’t realize is that the things I’d forget to do probably weren’t things that got me excited or led me to some kind of joyful outcome. I’m getting better and letting go and going with my impulses. They don’t steer me wrong. I just have to breathe and listen.
Maybe 2 weeks ago I told several people that they shouldn’t allow me to sign up for anything unless it was a one-time thing like one yoga class until the new year. No going to that class and then buying a 10-class package so I’d pigeon-hole myself into going, thinking it was for my own good when really it would make me miserable.
This week I thought, “wait, me making a pact to not commit to anything is exactly the kind of stupid rules and games I’m trying to quit.”
It’s actually not about never making plans. It’s about only doing things that make me happy. That’s what matters.
In lighter news, my pecan pie was made using Pillsbury cinnamon rolls as the crust and this recipe for the filling. (No corn syrup!) It was pretty good but I think I’d like more filling next time since the rolls absorbed a lot of the moisture when baking. The outfit. Simple, festive-enough, and all pieces I already owned. Weird for me, but I loved it this year. It’s a tradition to go to Murdough’s Christmas Barn after eating Thanksgiving dinner. This ornament is straight-up Law of Attraction.I appointed myself the table place card maker. I found these little ornaments and tags. I kept it simple and wrote each person’s name, after attaching the pinecones. It was cute and something everyone could take home.
My tiny Hello Kitty tree is up at work! Lucky I have a huge desk to fit all my holiday decorations.
Black Friday was goooood to me. I got this tree for $23. I’m fine with a semi-straggly tree this year when it’s just me enjoying it. I’ve always been partial to the Charlie Brown trees of the lot anyway. It’s clearly still in the works but at least it’s up!
One month exactly until my birthday. I like to do a little soul-searching this time of year. I’m striving for following my instincts so I can do more of what I love, more of the time.